Summer 2012 - loss and rebirth- my heart is open for all of you to see

Hello everyone! I haven't blogged for a many many many month's! My life has changed since the spring, my insides have ached and i have been in a "Limbo" I could say it changed on May 30th the day two very important people in my world were taken violently/senseless/too soon from our lives.````` But when i sit and truly think about it, this change started to occur the week of my birthday which is Beltane. Its funny how life is, how things fall into place, people enter our lives or things will happen for a reason........... I could not have gotten through any of this without the support and love from my friends. ////////My band really saved me all summer////// along with my great job where i get to escape, lead tours through Pike Place Market and tell stories of the ghosts and history of the many beautiful, wild & tormented humans that have existed in the area...... Now in the past 15 years I have had over a dozen friends pass away yet, Drew n' Joes death really threw me into outer space. (I spent 2007-2009 mostly with them any social outing, cafe racer breakfasts or in their basement. along w/ Armitage and my cancan family).They all made me feel confident,thankful and inspired, I owe so much to all of them (talk about a "soul retrieval) After May 30th I drank everyday ,didn't eat and was in a numb state!My soul ached, I would lay in bed *and cry * and cry* and cry, The final straw of my limbo occurred on June 28th my band had a show at ReBar and the night ended in a safe house but i was found by my Teflon Sister sitting in an ice cold tub staring at the wall in the dark, not in my body anymore, It was a wake up call to get myself back. And let Mazacca know that "we cannot party together anymore" So i decided on 30 days no liquor or sadness.........It is now Sept 13th and I have had maybe six drinks since June 28th........ and i still cannot listen to any music by my boys....not yet............ I started to feel like KOOK again which means sewing, creating, having fun with my family, and waking up early! My mother decided to visit from California (she hadn't visited for over two years, we always go to her) so I was super excited and needed the company of my mother after such a long hard few months (my husband and I were also on very rocky roads). She could relate to how i was feeling because three of her friends had been murdered when she was in her early 20's. We just hung in my cave, watched Treme',she had me BOUNCE dance for her and talked about spending time together in New Orleans. She had lost 87 pounds in a years time, i was so proud of her determination and drive to get healthy..... I always had a very young,full of life mom when i was growing up. She was the type of mom all my friends would hangout with in high school, she'd always tell us her experiences in the paranormal. When I was 14 she started having me take spiritual retreats, tarot classes, dream analysis classes, self-defense (yes Tai Kwon Do) and past life recognition workshops. When my grandfather passed away that year we inherited his witchcraft library so i was reading all of those books too. I owe alot of who i am to my mother and my ancestors, i was always told to love, always follow your gut instincts and be open to new things.......... July 2012 -Originally my mother said she had "a open ticket" to visit us and would be here for a few weeks, but after 5 days decided she really needed "to get back home" so on the seventh day of her visit, SailorHank n I drove her to the train station helped her check bags & hugged her goodbye. This would be our last time ever seeing her! The following Saturday I received the phone call that she had unexpectedly passed. I still cannot believe it, though i am soo grateful that she visited it was just way to soon, she was only 57!!! She had some minor health scares but it seemed she was on the road to a healthy path.I had texted her last year that we still have so many things to do together, that she still needed to walk through the french quarter with me and i wanted her to go to Commanders Palace....so many things!!! I had told her if she lost 100 pounds i would take her & Darby to Paris!! Of course her spirit and energy are still here but really i miss her!!I miss her calling me dozens of times a week always "checking in", me teasing her replying with " I'm okay , if i'm not , it'll be on the news". She drove me nuts , since she was so young we were always more like sisters, she would always tell people " Me and Cheyanne grew up together" i could tell her anything, she always knew instinctively if i was sad, she'd call and say " I had a dream about you, are you okay"?, and any exciting coinsurance in my life she was really the first person i would tell.-------- I have been comfortable in my room, being social right now is just -out of the question-, i know this will all pass and I will be out and about, smiling,laughing,dancing and living. But for now i must grieve. ---I must save my marriage----- I must make a great home for my children------I must create---- I must breath----- I must love--------I must LIVE!!!!!! I also want to thank all of my wonderful wonderful supportive community of friends! NEW ORLEANS or BUST.....